Hello out there?!?
There’s nothing worse than staring past the balcony and seeing rain dropping in the best part of the day, morning. I’ve already been waking up around 7:30 – 8:00 am since anytime before that, there simply isn’t anything to do besides listening to soft music and having coffee. The winter day is short and I seem to panic how to make the most out of it. But how is always the question when it’s just cold and wet outside.
My first conversation of the day wasn’t planned to be as such too. My wife commented, ‘You have been urinating since this morning.’ and my response was, ‘Well, there is no other way to excrete it since I haven’t been perspiring.’ I replied quickly and added, ‘Rain again and it seems for the next week!’ She says, ‘Stop complaining and better get used to it since there’s nothing you can’t do about it.’ Oh man! that phrase really struck a filed response within me, always waiting to be lashed out. I immediately said, ‘It’s been two months of rain and there is another two to go. And, there is something I can do about it.’ What that is I can do, honestly, the only option is to go on a reprieve down south where the climate is more tropical.
My thoughts from here on were scattered once again. I can see across the next apartment block this asian woman who seems to be in robes sitting in the sofa and deduced from there that she must be just watching soap operas the whole day. What a life I tell myself. That’s not what I’d like to be doing. There has to be a better way. How I wish this page had better adjectives to uplift even just myself. But at this time, it just seems like a blank page.
From the start of my day till I retire at night, there should be meaning to it. This is what I struggle for. What is work without enjoyment? It’s good to have mental ease and live happily at the least. A little smile here and there. What is family without interaction? It should be a reason for waking up and being in their company at all times as much as I can. But recently, that isn’t happening.
It seems the negative aspects keep on flooding my thoughts. I have a hard time filtering them out and filling it in with the good ones. It’s time consuming. I pray to my creator to help me get through the day with the least of problems and accept what can’t be avoided. It’s so damn hard to accept. So, I keep on trying. How I wish there is satisfaction on everything that I do. If there isn’t any on this day I keep on wishing there would be. Maybe it’s better to wish for it than nothing at all.
In a way, Ikigai should be that path. Having a reason to be happy with myself first so that I can give it to others. Without it, it would be futile to transcend to others. I should go about my day with spontaneity and let things fall in place. Not letting negative thoughts derail me. It’s a lifelong struggle so far. How I wish I was just like the same person next to me on the streets, happily going about their business and letting events come as they need be. I should evaluate myself and sift out what really is the meaning of my being here on Earth. There must be a really good calling for me and nothing else.
Right now, I am full of madness but for an instance, I am dearly blocking it out as it affects all members of my family. I peripherally look outside while typing this accepting the sun is trying to pierce the greyness of this weather. Feels warm on a wintry day. Keep on, I say till the next.
It doesn’t get worse than this. I’m already feeling the blues not being able to do activities I normally do, and then this.
After more than a month of unending rain, 2 days of thick snow. I’m racking my brains how to get off our apartment and at least do an activity without trudging through ankle to knee deep snow. I’ve been bouncing off the walls thinking about that till I ended up writing this for the meantime. Blogs can be a good way letting off misery. It can calm your mind for the moment. It puts you at ease knowing that your not the only person stuck and imprisoned by white rain. Sigghh! life sometimes doesn’t give you the warmth and fun you always tend to have. Patience, patience, patience is the only thing that I may be allowed to have. But in this case I just have to accept the fact. I’m trying to equate it to tropical downpours which turns to floods and keeps you homebound for the moment. So really it’s the same.
For today, Lord keep me occupied in times of listlessness as these are the things I can’t control. May you grant me a few cheerful moments to keep me going. In you, I trust.
Walking out in the yesterdays, Did not bring back what I lost. Looking into the tomorrows, Nothing made sense of most. Then I chose to live today, So I could stop thinking and smile.
Thoughtful burden — Arun’s abode
That is powerful! For now I reflect on it. I have read different versions of it. Sort of like ‘Desiderata’ but more precise and down to earth.
For now; God help me how to live now and not worry about what is going to happen tomorrow.
It seems like a lifetime I haven’t really thanked her personally. Even at this point in my life which seems to be at it’s darkest. She is always there as the backbone of our family. Without her, I am nothing. We don’t talk much like friends these days as both of as are really stressed-out. I can tell that based on the freshness of her face. I can feel it. She gives me verbal clues and I do even more to add to it. What sort of cruelty am I adding to her woes. She can handle it better than I do but I shouldn’t be adding fuel to the fire. I shouldn’t include her in my negative moods and emotions. She has every right to enjoy everything at this point especially our trip overseas to live a life that she has envisioned. I keep on shutting that down by throwing verbal hints of hatredness of the situation. I am forever sorry for my endless tirade of black barbs not at you but of what we are in.
As much as I want to create an atmosphere of equal partnership, my end is still on stilts and on very soft ground. I am of no sound mind and body. I can only try my best for the latter but I do need someone to converse with and clear me up. How I wish I could explain all of these to you, wife? At one point in time, you knew of this but it never prospered beyond a good response. I don’t blame you.
One my darkest fears is not having that time to tell you this. I can’t get that conversation going. It seems out of place at this time. Even this writing is in the middle of class. I just need that little smile out of you and I should be fine. But firstly, I need you to hear it from me. In time I will. I am finding ways to do that.
Am honestly tired of sleeping long hours and being indoors most of the time. I can’t be watching cable tv for hours on end much so sit on the couch but it doesn’t seem to bother my wife and 5 year old. It seems the long Christmas break has put a spell on them. As for me, I keep on glancing out the few meters of opened curtains only to see a lot of grey clouds, non-stop drizzling rain and barren trees. I keep on wondering how this can go on for the next season. I am imprisoned by the elements. All I can do is walk briskly to the nearby indoor pool and go for a quick swim. It’s better than none but really even that is a forced event. At this time I can’t complain, it’s the only thing keeping my blood flowing. It’s hard to swallow how long winter is. I just realized how short the day is. Trying to make the most of it is a mental challenge knowing once I’m out I have to keep the rain and cold factored in. ‘God help me’ seems to be my call every day I start the day. All I really want is an activity outdoors that doesn’t require a lot of layered clothing but a whole lot of sweat and sunshine.
The above picture sums it all up. Just a peaceful setting in an ocean of unknowns. What you don’t see underneath won’t hurt you. I’ve always loved the sea. It has given me joy and a restart to a day full of stress. From windsurfing, scuba diving, kiteboarding, sailing to just anything that skims above or below will be my goal besides family of course. I am hoping one day it will come back just like before. It makes me smile. It makes me tired. But in the end it gives me the energy to keep on positive vibes with my family more often than not.
At your own pace seems what everyone needs. To each his own how inner peace and fun can be. To other’s a good book in a quiet shady place can be an absolute fulfillment. As for me sun, wind, good workout and away from a crowded city gives me my chance to enjoy who I am. That was then though and now it’s totally the opposite so hence my dismay at cold and wet winter seasons. But one of these days I will come back to my favorite pastimes and make me full again.
I just realized after all those past weeks that the sunrise was at eight to eight thirty in the morning and the sunset was around four thirty. Such a short day. And the day started with a groggy day awaken by the sun piercing through the curtains. I checked the time at 9:30 am and immediately rose. Normally in the past it rising time was 5:30 – 6:00 am but that was in the tropics especially in the Philippines. I counted my sleeping hours making sure I didn’t oversleep or else it would be a long night the following.
I made my way to the dining table to see my wife about to make coffee and I immediately said, ‘ Can you include me with yours?’ and emphatically the response was, “Make your own cuz I can’t stand strong coffee.” I responded immediately while seating myself in a half-heartened response at half the tone, “Well, Happy New Year.” I could see her facial response at the same token of appreciation. She asked me a few minutes later how my eyes where and I just kept quiet. It seemed in retaliation to why I couldn’t be included with the coffee. Such small stupid responses out loud or quietly that could have been avoided and liven up the future.
I checked the weather for today and it seems the sun would be out only till around 4 pm. I shared the weather update with wifey and exclained, “Enough rain! Enough!” As soon as my coffee was done, I had a smoke outside the balcony and savored every bit of the piercing sun and even did another one just so. I just had one thing in mind. Go out of the apartment and go about town and at least get some fresh air instead of getting stuck inside with all windows closed.
I eventually ended up having coffee I bought nearby and sat down at a bench by Keefer Park only to realize why the place seemed to be the only place that was still shedding leaves. Don’t tell me it was going to be a long Autumn and Winter?! But I guess I was just imagining things and trying to hurry up the seasons. I sure hope the brief sunlight was a precursor to what the new year brings. Clear, warm and fun days ahead. I sincerely hope so. Because, I saw some clouds drifting in around 3 pm and I didn’t want to be caught up in cold frigid weather in the streets.
I woke up but not entirely open. My eyes felt so ‘spicy’, it was hard to open both. It wasn’t the first time I’ve felt this maybe a few decades ago. But this was different. Every time I try to open my left eye it seemed tearing at the seams. It felt like glue that hardened. I bared the sensation and continued to make strong coffee thinking I may have had a really deep sleep but this was getting uncomfortable.
In the meantime, I could see much more heavy rain. This is getting ridiculous. It has been more than a month since the last sunshine to sunset event. I sat down drinking my coffee and at the same time testing my eyes to start opening a bit. I thought, I may have some sort of an eye infection but it wasn’t itchy just teary eyed as though smoke was really close. I didn’t know wifey had to leave for work and she left me a text message for a few things to buy before she arrived tonight. I thought, I can’t even read the message on my phone properly. I had to leave in a few hours and I haven’t had breakfast and so too did my youngest Anya who awoke the same time I did. I had to cook up some breakfast for her. It was raining steadily already and the thought of walking to the nearest store seemed like a dreaded task. If only the rain could cease. It worsened my start of the day. On top of my list was to at least buy some eye drops first. Caffeine was starting to kick in. I managed to cook food for Anya and myself. And honestly, after last night’s altercation with Annika I didn’t feel like making some for her. But she’s my daughter and at least leave her something.
Finally, I’m off jumping over puddles in the rain drenched streets of this suburb of Vancouver. As beautiful as she may be to some to me it was totally different. My mood was dictated by how the sun shined brightly. I was thinking out loud to my creator, ‘Please Lord is this what it is going to be every year while me and family are here?’ I can’t take this anymore. I’d rather be in my sweet home country being soaked in sweat than this. It was cold, windy and wet. The grocery and the pharmacy was only two blocks away. But I survived but I was thinking negative thoughts, ‘Why did we ever end up in a place where it seemed rain was a part of the seasons. And three to five months worth is unbearable. How I wish it just dumped rain so strong it didn’t have enough vapor to last a week at the most. But I did manage to get what was needed especially those eye drops.
All I wanted was to pass through the side of the dining table to get to the kitchen and grab some dinner. Since the entire apartment was carpeted, I made sure I walked barefoot. This particular evening, I was a bit tired and exhausted but not as much as days in the past. My wife with my youngest five year old was on one side and on the other was my oldest thirteen year old. I took the route with the less people. I asked in a cold tone, Annika? Can you please move I need to pass. There wasn’t any eye contact but only a whining voice, saying, “Am too tired to move!” and all this time looking at her Ipad tablet. I reiterated once more, ‘Can you please move, I need to pass?!’ And still the reply was the same. My fuming head just automatically, counted the seconds aloud in ‘three, two, one’. Her reply was, “go ahead slap me”. Damn! I thought this situation didn’t require that! I said, ‘if you don’t move, something will break!!’ and I was referring to her tablet in which her eyes were glued to without looking even hesitantly at me. It took a lot of effort from myself to control my emotions not to smash it as that was the only thing that could really get her respect. She challenged me. For what I thought? All she needs to do is stand up, lean the chair forward and I pass. All should be done in five seconds. But it never happened. I tore the tablet from her hands and brought it hurriedly down the corridor to our room and threw it on the bed. Was I so glad I didn’t smash it into pieces. I fleetingly thought it didn’t warrant that. My thoughts were all over the place. I shouted, ‘What is wrong with you?’, in a second person view I said, ‘This person is asking permission for you to move.’ ‘All you care is just the internet and you can’t even freakin’ brush your teeth.!’ By this time my blood pressure was really skyrocketing. I could see her turning red and teary eyed but at this moment there wasn’t anything I could do but to seat myself at the sofa just to simmer myself down. And that’s what I did. The scene kept repeating itself in my head over and over. My breathing was deep and fast. I just sat there for a good fifteen minutes till every sound coming from her, my wife and youngest faded away. I could hear Annika slamming things inside her room but at this point I thought I was in the right. I hated that moment but I am who I am. I need to be more forgiving and think of ways how to settle the situation in win-win mode but there was simply none that I could have possibly thought of. Maybe.
Reaching out to anyone out there.